Not responsible for ruined keyboards.

This is the true story of how my Aunt(my FAVORITE aunt got me to go Kayaking with her and her daughter, in lovely little kayaks.. shaped like plastic bananas. Enjoy.

Why did anyone invent this? As a punishment? As a torture device? I would understand that, but as a way to get from point A to point B? Well, technically, but swimming strapped to a 20 lb anchor would not only be easier, but safer, faster, more fun, and less expensive. As you all may have surmised, I did SURVIVE my day of kayaking with my beloved aunt and cousin. I crawled up the steps to my house using my teeth, as my arms and legs no longer work, however I did survive.

First off, I forgot to set my alarm, got up late, got dressed, put up the critters, and ran out to truck to discover that the arsenal was still in there, so I had to carry all the guns into the house. Then I was in such a hurry I jumped into the truck and almost got out of the driveway before remembering I did not have my cell phone(I had put it on the charger while unloading guns) so I jumped out of the truck to get the cell phone, only to discover I also had forgotten my purse, with my keys to the shop and house. However I was clever enough to have locked my front door. So off to the shop to retrieve my other house key from my assistant. Back to house to get purse, keys, cell phone, and jammin' off on the 2 hour drive to St Augustine. The drive was fairly uneventful, with the exception of saying if you ever ever drive on 9-Mile road, there is a sign that indicates "curve ahead - 20mph". It is a double curve that would send snakes to the chiropractor, and my truck WILL take it at 55mph when I ignore the sign. The sad part being I KNEW the double curve was there, but was running so late and preoccupied that I was dumb.

So I make it intact to aunt's house on the intercoastal waterway, and we jump into the bananas(hey they were even yellow kayaks!!!!). I suddenly realize that MY banana is filling with water!! Ahhh! IT IS GOING DOWN!!!!! At which point my aunt lets me in on the secret. The boat is supposed to have water in it. I told her "no, boats that have water in them are SINKING!!" She laughs, apparently she thinks I am joking. She shows me the basics of how to paddle a kayak which is apparently different from all other boats I have ever paddled, in that kayaks don't really care how you paddle, hold the paddle, or which direction you indicate, it is going whereever there are mudbars to stick into.
So we head off into the wild intercoastal. Then Meg(cousin) discovers she has forgotten her fishing license! She doesn't however want to feel stupid, so she asks me if I remembered to BRING my license. I laugh and say I don't even have one!! Never thought of it, because I thought we were going kayaking, not fishing. Apparently fishing goes with kayaking. So we head off to get my fishing license(foolish me, I was happy for a moment to think, gee guess I can't go after all!!) Nope, we got to go into St Augustine to get one! darn foiled again!) Then we came back(complete with kayaking hats-don't ask) and head back out in the bananas. Once we got going down the lanes of water, that I have no clue where they go so I am lost as any moron in a Louisiana swamp, I thought, hey this boat is possessed!!!! It is going over there, over that way, hey a mud bank!!! Not to say that the scenery wasn't grand! It was such a clear day(darn it) and you could see tall grasses(marsh?) and mudbanks. Occasionally some small bird would fly by at about 200 yards, which my aunt helpfully pointed out to me. Did I mention the fact that we were leaving at nearly low tide? Yeah, you can see the water in front of you, and grassy stuff on either side. That is it, unless you are really into mudbanks. I got fairly excited as we rounded a bend to see a dead piece of tree! Which MY kayak immediately headed right for.
So then I am thinking "ok, this is hard but not too really bad. I can deal with paddling about a bit then I get to go "Wow! That was such fun! Thanks favorite aunt!" " and go home. Ha! Nice try! Then we came out of the winding grassy stuff onto the actual intercoastal waterway, also called 'the place where really big friggin boats go really fast and swamp all people riding in ridiculous little possessed bananas'. So we got halfway and my aunt said 'oh big boat go back!' Go back?? This thing has reverse somewhere? I haven't even found forward yet? Oh fun. Riding swell huge waves in the bananas was kinda fun, if you aren't afraid that you are going to die any moment!(nope, darn it) So we didn't die and we kept paddling(yeah right, we kept padding, translation is they paddled their sleek little bananas effortlessly across glass calm water, while I swiped at the choppy water and cursed at my banana who wanted to go back to the mudflats. Not that I blamed it at that point, *I* wanted to go back to the mudflats too)

So now it becomes apparent to me that my aunt doesn't really exist anymore, she and my cousin have apparently been snatched up by aliens and replaced by these weirdos who think that attempting to paddle INTO the wind(15-20 knots!!!) AGAINST the tide and currant, while being run down by boats(REAL boats with STEERING wheels and MOTORS!!!) is somehow fun. Finally my aunt beachs her banana after we cross the channels to the other side(which is a MUCH better place to be! It has water, grassy stuff and mudflats!! Not at all like the place we just came from!) and I was relieved to finally catch up, do the same, whereupon she asks me if I want a breather?? We are not there yet. We are in fact about 1/4 of the way where she was intending to go. So I honestly answered her with "No of course I don't need a breather, I need a MOTOR!!!" She laughed, I think she thought I was joking. SO onward even more paddling into the wind(still 15-20 knots) and against the tide and currant to even more water, grassy stuff and mudflats, until finally my aunt announces 'almost there, right around the bend is where we are going to go to fish!!' Around the bend I struggle, the end is IN SIGHT!! As I round the bend I come upon the thing which makes it all worth the pain and effort. A mudflat with grassy stuff and water. Hooray!! At this point I love mudflats. Anything but large expanses of open water where the real boats can try to run over us idiots in bananas. So we run into the mudflat that is partly out of water and sorta beach ourselves(well my aunt and cousin do, my banana which up to this point has managed to try to get onto every other mudflat, for some reason has an unexplained aversion to THIS mudflat and refuses to get stuck there until the 4th try). So we then fish for a while, I won't bother describing the fishing. It was not paddling, so I loved it. At that point I would birdwatch, study the ecological marvels of the grassy marshy stuff, or just admire the mudflat we were mired in, anything but paddling.

Then it was time to leave, when I found out, the only thing worse than trying to avoid mudflats, worse than trying to get ONTO a mudflat, is getting OFF the mudflat. You cannot step out of your banana, under no circumstance may you attempt to step ONTO a mudflat. It would be disturbing the environment's delicate balance, not to mention you sink right up to your armpits. And the mud doesn't let go of anything that hits it. Especially shoes. OR people. Even people who are wearing shoes. But especially dumb people who ride in bananas. My aunt helpfully told me the technique for getting off the mudflats, which is way too complex to explain. But she then tried to show me by getting herself off the mudflat that way. She didn't. She and her banana(her very obedient banana!!) sat there mired and stuck. So I tried what she told me, and stayed there too. So I did the alternate thing(which I thought up right then and there too) of scooting back and forth a lot until the boat scootched out of the mud. So my aunt (the expert) did the same thing. Maybe it will become a revered technique of kayakers everywhere and they will call it the Wolfy maneuver!!! Maybe not. I hope not anyway. That would be stupid.

So then we head back through the channels of doom!!!! We made it, after my arms failed entirely, and I was thinking "just leave me here to die ok?"(darn, they didn't), and my banana wanted to go back into the channels. Great, possessed suicidal banana. Then we started fishing in the waterways on the way back, yay!!!!! No paddling at all hardly, just drift along and fish. Then paddle furiously to keep off yet more mudflats. Which my banana has re-developed an affinity for. So then it starts getting dark, and I am asking 'hello? Are we going to stay out?' Whereupon I am informed, we cannot get back in until the tide comes in. Huh? We are stuck out here?? Great. More fascinating mudflats and oooo grassy stuff.

Finally we get back to the ground(Hooray!!!) and attempt to get back out of the bananas while not sinking into the mud or falling out into the water(why? We are all soaked through and muddy! What does it matter now?) Then we have to pull the bananas up and clean them up(washing mud off, apparently the mud might harm the bananas) and then we get to go inside the house, clean up and get clean dry clothes on. My aunt wanted me to go out to eat with them and grab a shower and all there, but I really needed to go ........ away. Far far away. Somewhere where there are no bananas. SO I thanked her profusely, and she asked me when I wanted to go back out. I told her never ever, not in a million years will I want to subject myself to that again. She laughed. I think she thought I was joking. So home again home again. Where I go to bed twitching with exhaustion, with blisters on my hands, and windburn on my face, wearing my cousin's sweatpants, and my uncle's shoes. Cold and sore. Never never ever go kayaking. Wolfy